Lately, I have needed an outlet.... to vent... to express... to take a load off my shoulders. I don't know why I didn't think to blog about this sooner. I really find that blogging can be quite therapeutic sometimes :) So, here it goes... I can't promise that this will all be sweet or happy, or even make much sense - but it's how I have been feeling lately & if I can reach just one person out there who feels like they are the only one feeling like I do... then it will be worth it.
"Baby Hopes"... I feel like Jordan & I have been praying so fervently about God blessing us with a baby for the past few months, but month after month... no baby :( I'd be lying if I said that each time I start my period, a part of me just doesn't want to break down & cry... sometimes I do just that. I know it's disheartening for Jordan as well - he sees how upset it makes me, sometimes I try to hide it, but he knows me all too well. It's hard to not get excited & hopeful each month & think maybe, just maybe this time will be the time. We firmly believe that everything happens in God's timing, it's just hard to want something so bad & have minimal control over it. God only wants good things for us, sometimes I like to think that He is helping Jordan & I work on our patience ;) Another thing that weighs heavy on my mind... our previous miscarriage. I will never forget the way I felt, physically or emotionally... it was by far, one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I know it was for Jordan as well. A piece of me is fearful that it may happen again, my Dr. told me to not let the miscarriage discourage us from trying to get pregnant again & that it was just God's way of ruling out a baby that could potentially have had many problems. Does all of that make me worry any less? No. I wish it did! I've also been struggling with the fact that if we hadn't lost the baby, I would be due at the end of this month. But, we did lose the baby & I have to keep reminding myself that God knows better than I do & He has the perfect plan... no matter how much it hurts. Another huge thing I've been struggling with (I've even talked to Jordan about it), it seems like every girl I know is getting pregnant, like it's the easiest thing in the world! I try my best to put on a smile & be happy for each of them, which I truly am, but I am also wondering why it isn't our turn yet & why it isn't happening so easily for us :( I feel like we have done everything in the right order (while others that are getting pregnant haven't) - we met, fell in love, got engaged, got married... a baby just feels like the next step, and we feel more than ready. Each month is a waiting game it seems, a game I so deeply wish I had control over. I'm trying more & more to wholeheartedly surrender this whole situation to God, I know He only wants what is best for us. Worrying definitely won't help the situation. Jordan seems to be dealing with it all okay, we talk about it often. He is my rock & keeps reassuring me that it will happen when God wants it to happen. <-- Which is what I am struggling with, because it isn't when "I" want it to happen. As I just re-read through this post, I found that I was saying "I" a lot, that "I want control" over the situation, but the fact is "I" don't have control over it. God orchestrates everything with perfection, I know I couldn't do that job, He sees the big picture & I just need to believe that He sees a baby in our future. Prayers about all of this are greatly appreciated. As I said, it is something that I have really been struggling with as of lately. It is not altering my faith in God by any means, I believe it is making it stronger. I have faith that He will bless us with our little miracle, all in His timing. Then what a testimony to Him it will be! If only I could have a little hint as to when that would be? ;)
Love & Blessings,
Jenna
